Chaos Theory
by roxbury
Summary: A collection of little OMAKEs which try to evoke a positive response. Read, review, and cackle madly if you dare. Just don't let your friends catch you. Feel free to ask me to post your own.
1. On The Earth

**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Firefly/Serenity. I also don't seem to have common sense or sanity. Gee, I seem to fit right in.**

This was based on nonjon's fic Browncoat, Green Eyes. Read it, learn it, live it.

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**On The Earth -**

"_Go se_, I'm all jumpy," complained Jayne.

"Are you ready, Harry?" River asked as she donned an EVA suit.

"No, I am most certainly not ready. Let's go." Harry opened the outer  
airlock and stepped out onto... the rich brown soil of planet Earth. The  
sky looked as blue as it ever had, and the trees hinted at a sustainable  
ecosystem. Harry blinked.

"And here I thought the Earth was in shambles," Harry said. Jayne  
shrugged.

"Is there anybody here?" Harry asked River.

"I can't sense anybody," replied River. The group moved forward, Harry  
at point looking for any sign of life.

Upon seeing a deer, Harry twisted his helmet to the right and removed  
it, breathing in the fresh air, which the oxygen scrubbers on the ships  
removed. His companions did likewise and they all continued to walk.

Another mile ahead, a gleam to the right caught Harry's attention.  
There, beyond a bush, stood a sixty-foot high golden statue of a  
prominent man, his rear bare for all to see, his chiselled arms and legs  
posed as if in deep thought. Harry rounded the statue, and gasped.

"Let's go. Now!" he shouted to the others, fear clearly shown on his  
face. River giggled. The statue had a minor scar above it's right eye,  
distinctly... lightning bolt shaped. And to River's complete and utter  
joy, the statue was… well-endowed. Suddenly, a massive hoard of  
girls ran from the cave and saw him, his glamoured appearance exactly  
the same as the statues. They gasped.

"It's the Great One!" one shrieked.

"He has come to service us!" another shouted with glee.

"Pleasure me first, O Great One!" a redhead said. She had brown eyes and  
freckles. Harry gasped.

"Ginny?" She seemed pleased.

"The Great One knows me! The Great One said my name!" she squealed in  
delight, she began to remove her clothing, to Harry's horror.

"Run!" he shouted. "Back to the Pod!" River immediately began to move,  
but Jayne just stood there, drooling at the now nude girl. "Aw,  
_gorramit_!" Harry Summoned Jayne to him, who began cursing. Suddenly,  
Jayne was over Harry's shoulder and he was running faster than he  
possibly could if they were vicious attack… poodles.

River had already began the launch sequence, and by the time Harry  
reached the Pod with Jayne, desperately trying to free himself, the Pod  
was ready to launch.

As the Pod blasted off, Harry sat down in the co-pilot's seat, Jayne sat  
behind him, screaming his head off.

"Why did we run AWAY?" Harry did not reply, he merely sat in the seat,  
eyes wide.

"The Earth..." he moaned repeatedly. "Completely populated by obsessed  
fangirls. The Earth is doomed."

(The following written by nonjon)--

Simon nodded sagely. "I told you! No intelligent life could survive  
under those conditions."

"Thank Merlin we got away in time," Harry agreed before looking around  
the ship. "Umm... has anyone seen Antonio?"

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	2. Now He's a Man

Formerly a Oneshot by the name of Now He's a Man.

One of Ron's fantasies. Written in about fifteen minutes, so very ridiculous. Or maybe I'm just a ridiculous person. Anyway, from the song 'Now You're A Man' by DVDA. Oh, can you tell how good I am at writing summaries?

_----------_

**Now He's a Man -**

_What makes a man_

_Is it the power in his hands_

_Is it his quest for glory_

_Give it all you got_

_To fight to the top_

_So we can know your story_

Ron looked once again into the Mirror of Erised in his paltry, lanky body. What he saw captivated him, as he saw himself; an older version of himself, shirtless, with strapping muscles, bulging biceps. Around his shoulders hung his robes, which flowed like a cape. Attached to the robes were several different badges, including those of a Prefect, Head Boy, Quidditch Captain, and for some reason, even a badge labeled I, for the Inquisitorial Squad. Behind him were several trophies scattered on the ground. He instantly recognized the House Cup, the Quidditch Cup, the Order of Merlin, and several Witch Weekly Sexiest Wizard Alive ribbons.

_Now you're a man_

_A man, man, man,_

_Now you're a man_

_A manny, manny, man,_

_A man, man, man_

_You are now a man_

_You're a man_

_Now you're a man_

And from nowhere, Hermione came running up to him, and jumping in his beefy arms. Holding him, and rubbing him, she purred as if she were a cat. A long French kiss later, he grinned, and pulled his head up for air. Nonexistent people cheered as sparks flew in his mind. Suddenly, two unknown women grabbed Hermione from him and discarded her as if she were a sack of potatoes.

_What makes a man_

_Is it the woman in his arms_

_Just cause she has big titties_

_Or is it the way_

_He fights everyday_

_No, it's probably the titties_

The two buxom blondes, one of whom appeared to be his sister-in-law, Fleur Delacour, the other the busty Hannah Abbott. They slinked around him, rubbing themselves into him, and all Ron could do was smile euphorically. They both wore skimpy blue bikinis, and Ron positioned his hands to remove Hannah's top.

_Now you're a man_

_A man, man, man,_

_Now you're a man-man_

_Man, man, man, man, man_

_Now you're a man_

_M-A-N man, man, man, man_

_Now you're a man._

And then Ron woke up.

"Bloody hell," he said, and a cocky grin appeared on his face.

* * *

I don't know what came over me. Oh well, maybe a few of you will get a good laugh out of this.

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I'd like to thank the person who reviewed this when it was a story. I was stupid and deleted the story without getting your name first. Review again and I'll give you proper credit.


	3. Ringing Through The Veil

I'll admit, most of this is from Dead Ringers. I won't say who did write this, for fear of murder and persecution.

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**Necromantic Ringers**

Harry: Ouch, Uncle Vernon, stop! You're really hurting me, and not just acting!

Vernon: Big fucking deal!

Harry: If you don't stop, I'll call Child Services on you!

Vernon: Oh, so sorry then. Tea?

-----

Harry: So you're the wise and powerful Dumbledore?

Gandalf: No, you fool, I'm Gandalf from the Lord of the Rings, the wise old wizard who guides a youthful hero on a journey of discovery.

Harry: Yeah, Dumbledore.

Gandalf: Frodo, please tell Harry that I'm Gandalf.

Frodo: But you're not Gandalf, Gandalf's here, the wise old wizard who leads the hero on a brave quest!

Obi-Wan: No, my young friend, I'm not Gandalf. I'm the old master who schools a young hero in a mystic art.

Harry: So you're Dumbledore.

Obi-Wan: I'm not bloody Dumbledore, I'm the one who sacrifices himself in the first movie of the trilogy, then comes back from the dead to help the hero!

Gandalf: You've nicked that idea from me!

Frodo: Harry, Dumbledore isn't here right now because the actor who plays him is dead. Now, Dumbledore's getting a makeover so the role can be played by someone else.

Obi-Wan: Like me, they've nicked that idea too!

Gandalf: Look, it's my movie that's breaking all the box office records, not your piss-poor efforts!

Vader: Hello.

Gandalf: Oh, that's all we need, isn't it? The villain who dabbles in the Dark side of the mystic world.

Frodo: Saruman.

Obi-Wan: No, that's the evil lord who kills the father of the hero.

Harry: Voldemort.

Vader: I'm not Voldemort! Anyway, that's just the story they tell the hero. The truth is, I'm really his father.

Harry: You're my father?

Vader: Yes, I am. Oh bugger, that's spoiled the ending of the seventh book for people, hasn't it? Anyway, Dumbledore asked me to tell you to go see him now.

Harry: Thanks, Da.

-----

Harry: Oh wise and kindly Dumbledore, what advice do you have for a young wizard like me?

Ozzy Osbourne: Don't have fucking kids, that's my advice. They're a fucking nightmare. When they told me I'd be surrounded by magical elves and pot plants that come to life, I thought, yeah, I'll have some of whatever they're having, you know what I mean? You never told me they'd be fer fucking real did ya? Stupid little shits.

Harry: But you said you'd show me to fly using a broomstick.

Ozzy Osbourne: Listen, son. You take a quarter of the stuff that I've had in my life, you'll be flying alright. You won't need no fucking broomstick.

Harry: Without your help Dumbledore, how will I be able to defeat the evil Lord Voldemort?

Ozzy Osbourne: You leave Voldemort to me. He think's he's the fucking Prince of Darkness? I'll show him who the real Prince of Darkness is. See the look on his face when I bite off the head of Professor Snape!

-----

Harry: Hello, you bitter bloody man who can't get past a grudge on a man who's long since dead and probably laughing his way through Heaven.

Snape: I'll get you, John McClane!

Harry: Isn't that Die Hard?

Snape: Oh. I'll get you, Robin Hood!

Harry: That's Robin Hood.

Snape: Third time's the charm then. I'll get you, Harry Potter!

Harry: Finally.

Ian McKellen: No you don't! For years, you've tried to steal the show from me! Now it's my turn, for I am Ian McKellen; A.K.A. Doctor Death!

Snape: This is my role! Mine!

Ian McKellen: No, it's not, Alan Rickman! You don't have the evil eyes required to stare at young Potter here!

Snape: Perhaps not, I have the extreme eyebrow arching ability, not to mention the stiff neck I need to up my nose at everyone!

Harry: Er – aren't we a little busy right now?

Ian McKellen: It's never too busy for... my miniature cannon!

Snape: Well, I don't need my wand, for I have my futuristic cannon slash laser device!

Harry: Oh, no. I know what happens next. I saw it on the telly… You're both going to die, and then Snape's going to be played by bloody Brian Blessed. Please…

Ian McKellen, _shooting his miniature cannon at Snape_: Ah, ha, ha, ha!

Snape, _shooting his laser thingie at Ian McKellen_: Heh heh heh heh!

Ian McKellen and Snape: Ahhh!

Brian Blessed: Hello, I'm Brian Blessed!

Harry: Oh, never mind.

-----

_A particularly interesting blue box comes in from nowhere._

The Doctor: Oh, where the hell am I now?

Lily Potter: I don't know. Probably where the producers want you to be next, I s'pose.

The Doctor: But why did I have to come with you? Granted you're a very foxy woman, and I've got a right proper throbber under my trenchcoat, but I go for the younger, illegal ones. God, it's like I'm some sort of bloody pedophile or something.

Lily Potter: You want to go shag now, or what?

The Doctor: What?

Lily Potter: Well, it's been six months since I've left 1981, and I am a woman, with needs and all that. Plus, despite my job as the Virgin Mary of Harry Potter, I'm s'posed to be some bloody piece of skirt; I'm to have slept with all of my husband, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, that greasy bastard Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, both the Lestrange brothers, the Black sisters, Voldemort, Salazar Slytherin, my son, a few others along the way and Madam Rosmerta. What's another name on the list?

The Doctor: Maybe later. Don't forget, I'm supposed to have kids with Wonder Woman, a Dalek, and the Face of Boe, not to mention each and every one of my companions, including that 10 year old boy who supposedly smarter than Alan Rickman in the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. That Adam had that stupid hole in his head I'm to have… never mind. 'sides, I'm kind of busy wondering where in God's name we are.

Lily Potter: You could just ask, you know.

The Doctor: Oh, alright. Where the devil are we?

Lily Potter: Hogwarts.

The Doctor: How can you tell?

Harry: Mum?

The Doctor: Oh. Shall we leave?

Lily Potter: We'd better. I don't know how I'm to explain this to him.

Harry: Oh, you don't have to. I've met Da already. He's Darth Vader.

The Doctor: How's that for another name on the list? Darth Vader, or Anakin Skywalker. The Second Coming himself.

Lily Potter: How's about we climb into that bed that's bigger on the inside than the out.

The Doctor: Oh, we might as well.

-----

Voldemort: Hello, Harry. Ready to die?

Harry: Oh, I suppose, Professor Quirrell slash Tom Marvolo Riddle slash the Dark Lord Voldemort slash He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-In-Fear-Of-Terrorist-Attacks.

Voldemort: Well this is no fun. I wanted a bit of sport, something like "No, I'll fight evil to the last, Tom," using my real name to encourage my hatred and anger, causing me to slip up and die completely unexpectedly.

Harry: Why bother? First, my dad's Darth Vader, second Dumbledore's too high to save me yet again, third, my mum's having a roll in the hay with the last Time Lord in existence, and fourth, J. K. Rowling already said she was going to kill me off anyway.

Voldemort: True, true. How 'bout a pint?

Harry: I thought you didn't like Muggles?

Voldemort: As if. That's just my premise to attempt to take over the world.

Harry: James Bond villains have less premise than that!

Voldemort: Yes, well. Anyway, here's to us, the abusedas-a-child, yet-stil-mortal-enemies.

Harry: Hear, hear.

_A big something falls on top of Voldemort._

Brian Blessed: HELLO, I'M BRIAN BLESSED!

Harry: Well that was anti-climactic.

Sirius: You're telling me.

Harry: Aren't you supposed to be in prison?

Sirius: Isn't it the third book yet?

Harry: ...no.

Sirius: Oh. Well, I'm not going back to that hellhole. I'll be at Privet Drive.


End file.
